If I knew then what I know now

Not Guilty

She is pillaged, plundered, stripped!

Hearts melt, knees give way,

Bodies tremble, every face grows pale.

Nahum 2:10

By the time I finished Not Guilty, a novel by Teresa Pollard and Candi Pullen, I didn’t quite know what to think.   The character declared “not guilty” is Carrie Shepherd, a single-yet-engaged, Christian woman who was raped in 1974.  (ISBN = 978-193870806-0)

As a woman, crimes against us, especially rape, are close to my heart.  As a survivor, Carrie goes through periods of anger, grief, shame, and guilt, as her friends and family wonder at how uncharacteristically distant, defiant and secretive she’s become.  Nonetheless, I was struck by how rapidly she healed.  Not Guilty definitely presents a wholesome, Christian worldview.  Sometimes I wondered, “too wholesome?”  Carrie bounces back so well that I wonder if people would walk away thinking that either rape isn’t that bad, or that it’s easy to heal from.  I was also a little angry about the rapist’s fate.

Yet, God says that vengeance is His; and that by His stripes, we are healed.  So do I doubt the book, or did Not Guilty reveal my doubts about God and His Word?  Not Guilty is intriguing, but not fun.  One has to wrestle with it.   HopeSprings Books gave me a complimentary copy of the book through BookCrash, but maybe the wrestling match is worth paying for.

So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak . . . .

Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

Genesis 32:24 & 26

Why have you rejected me?

“Pastor . . .  told me that instead of complaining about you,

I should bring my complaints to you,

so that’s what I’m doing now; and I hope that you won’t punish me &

put me in hell because of my saying what I’m about to say.”

That’s how I started off my 3-page letter to Jesus Christ.  It was a long time coming.  A few months ago, I told people in my church that the last 2-3 years have been the worst in my life.  It’s been one challenge & one defeat after another.  I thank God that I’ve been able to get up after each knock-down.  I remain faithful to my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ. 

Nonetheless, I could not be at peace.  Every day, I would think about the people who hurt me or the things in my life that went wrong.  I would meditate on them all day.  Even when I consciously turned away from thinking negative thoughts by remembering Bible verses or singing Christian songs in my head; as soon as the song was over, the negative thoughts and the anger would come back. Thinking like that all day is painful & destructive.  I realized that I was sick.  I also tried praying for my enemies – for years.  It made no difference.  I realize that this advice is in the Bible, and I did try it, but it gave me no relief.   Eventually, I realized that I wasn’t just angry about the stuff that was going on in my life; but I was angry at Jesus.  

Since praying wasn’t working, I decided to move onto something else.  I’m aware of one technique people use to get rid of their anger.  It’s to write letters to the people who angered them.  You don’t actually send the letter, but you can have a trusted confidante read it; or you can shred it or burn it.  I’d always heard that the technique helps dissipate anger.

It’s true.  Holding in my anger just makes it intensify.  When I started letting it out, I felt better.  I’ve never actually gone through & counted, but the Pastor who told me to go to God with my problems also told me that most of the Psalms were poems of anger, frustration & sadness.  My Lord & I are back on good terms now.  Not that He ever left, but He’s helped me to see things from a different perspective.

I’d like to hear from the rest of you.  How do you get rid of your anger?  What do you do when you’re angry at God?  Assuming you got over it, did you see any changes in your life?

“You are God my stronghold.  Why have you rejected me?

Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?”

Psalm 43:2

When the Praises Go Up . . .

Nazareth!

Can anything good come from there?

John 1:46

I wrote about an honored elder’s funeral in my last post.  Let’s call her “Mary”. “Derrick” delivered the eulogy; and his preaching made me thank God – for Derrick, Derrick’s gifts, and the community I grew up in.

We all grew up in the same neighborhood, the same building, in public housing (aka “Nazareth”).  Derrick grew up down the hall from Mary and often made a detour to her apartment to eat dinner; to the chagrin of his grandmother, who would say, “Don’t feed him again, he already ate dinner, he’s just being greedy!”  (He would get the 2^nd meal anyway.)  Mary has one son, “Eric”, but Derrick became another son.

As a teenager, Derrick was the neighborhood terror.  He said, “If you got on the elevator with me, you never knew what you were going to get.  I would curse people out for no reason.”  For several years, it wasn’t clear if he would make something of himself in life.  He did, and Mary never gave up on him.

That’s why it was so beautiful to see him lead the funeral procession, leading Eric & “Susan” (Mary’s daughter), while proclaiming the word of God.  The funeral was a tribute to Mary, and to all our parents, who jointly created a safe and supportive environment for us to grow up in.  Derrick was eloquent, funny, encouraging and unashamed; and words like “passionate” and “energetic” don’t do justice to the fire that was in him.  He kept exhorting us, saying “When the praises go up, the blessings come down!”  He also invited his blood brother, “George”, to sing for us.  I smiled, remembering when George & Eric were teens pursuing hip-hop careers.  They even shot a low-budget rap video that aired on public access cable.  Those careers didn’t pan out.  No matter.  They’re fine now.  We all are.

Good things do come out of Nazareth.  Derrick asked everyone from the building to stand up.  Several have moved and others have died; yet, we were a sizeable contingent of people who are all working to make something of ourselves and our lives.  After the service, one guy said “he made you feel good to come from the projects”.  I agree.  Another neighbor told Derrick, “I’m proud of you and proud to know you”.  I am too.

 Train up a child in the way that he should go;

And when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6

Numbering Our Days

Teach us to number our days aright,

That we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Psalm 90:12

One of the elders in my life died.  She’s known me since I was a baby.  She was my neighbor. She was a friend to my mom.  She babysat me.  Her daughter and I grew up together in the same building & went to each other’s birthday parties.  I paid my final respects to the elder at her funeral.

The funeral rite is a powerful reminder of how few days we have on this earth.  The rite also gives us an idea of how we should be living.  Even though I cried through the funeral, and afterwards, I also laughed and sang.  When a beloved person dies, their funerals are beautiful.  I got to see a lot of people from my youth.  The euologist spoke at length about how the deceased touched his life, believed in him, and helped him to become the man (and pastor) that he is today.

The funeral program mentioned that, at her last, she was surrounded by loving family; and special mention was made of one friend who was there.  The two of them had been friends for over 50 years.  That was a lovely detail.  I’m not yet 50 years old, and I’m always awestruck by people who have been engaged in something for longer than I’ve been alive.

I used to gather together before Sunday service with the First Lady of our church and other congregants for prayer.  The First Lady would consistently pray over our Sunday School, afterschool & summer programs that our children would grow up as well-watered plants in the house of the Lord.  I always prayed that the children who came to our church, or church-sponsored programs, would make lifelong Christian friends.  The thought of having a group of Christian friends to walk through this life with – through elementary school, through the first date, through weddings, deaths, work, accidents, jobs and job losses, and having their own children – is a powerful and sweet thought for me.  It’s a blessing.

The righteous will flourish like a palm tree,

They will grow like a cedar of Lebanon;

Planted in the house of the Lord,

They will flourish in the courts of our God.

They will still bear fruit in old age,

They will stay fresh and green, proclaiming

“The Lord is upright;

He is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him.”

Psalm 92:12-15

Loss

(I wrote the following during the summer of 2012, but got distracted and never posted it.  The subject of this post passed away recently and I attended her funeral yesterday.  I’ll probably post a few more entries as a way of processing what happened.)

“The grass withers and the flowers fall,

but the word of our God stands forever.”

Isaiah 40:7

Over a year ago, one of my pastors made a powerful statement.  He said, “You will never have peace until you learn how to take a loss.”

I’ve experienced several losses over the past year.  The latest is that one of our neighbors is moving.  We’re both long-time residents of our building and she’s one of my mom’s peers.  I grew up with her daughter.  Her health has started to decline, so she decided to accept her daughter’s invitation to move in with her and allow her daughter to take care of her.  Her daughter moved out of the state years ago.  Her mom and I always greet one another when we see each other, but we don’t see one another very often.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been to her house.

Yet, I began to grieve her loss before she even left!  She’s one of the proverbial “pillars” of the community that I rely on.  Maybe it’s a psychological dependence.  There are just some people and some things in my life that have been so stable that their loss is jarring.  Loss is my word of wisdom for today.  They say that the only thing in life that remains the same is change.  Everyone and everything that we have will eventually be lost.  Cherish and enjoy them while you have them.  Tell people you appreciate them while they’re there.

Only God remains the same.

Doing Justice

I will stand at my watchpost, and station myself on the rampart; I will keep watch to see what he will say to me, and what he will answer concerning my complaint.  Then the Lord answered me and said: Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so that a runner may read it.

Habakkuk 2:1-2

Dennis A. Jacobsen chose Habakkuk to open his book, Doing Justice: Congregations and Community Organizing.  The vision that the Lord wants written down is His promise to bring justice to Israel and to punish the Babylonians, Israel’s oppressors.

Jacobsen is the modern-day herald, emphatically stating that a congregation-organized community is a vehicle of justice.  Doing Justice is jarring.  It’s the shock you get when you leave a warm comfortable apartment and realize it’s colder than you think outside.  He doesn’t mince any words in criticizing the church.  He relates a conversation with a bishop about community organizing:

“He said, ‘The role of the church in society is not to engage systemic injustice but to fill in the gaps.’  This view is, of course, the practical, working theology of most churches in the United States whose social ministry, if it exists at all, is devoted to food pantries, homeless shelters, or walk-a-thons to generate money for this or that cause. . . . Society is pleased to have the church exhaust itself in being merciful toward the casualties of unjust systems.” (pp. 18-19)

Doing Justice made me wonder if my church and I were really serious about justice.  My church feeds people, gives out clothing, funds affordable housing, etc.  Jacobsen says that’s nice, but not enough.  To go further, we’d have to ask questions like, “Why can’t people buy enough groceries for themselves?”  In answering that question, we’d have to confront the systems that maintain economic injustice.

Doing Justice includes a 12-week study guide, which is not “a jumping off point for random conversation.  It is written for those persons inside faith communities who continue to look for the practical handles that will make the presence of creativity, justice, and hope more evident in the culture” (p. 110)  It’s list of national organizations that help develop congregation-based community organizing institutions include:

The Catholic Campaign for Human Development

http://www.usccb.org/about/catholic-campaign-for-human-development/

Direct Action & Research Training Center (DART)

http://www.thedartcenter.org/

The Gamaliel Foundation

http://www.gamaliel.org/

Pacific Institute for Community Organization

http://www.piconetwork.org/about/faith-based-community-organizing

Doing Justice was a great find.  It’s a quick & clear read that I picked it up for $5.00, but it’s worth a lot more.

“Woe to him who builds his realm by unjust gain to set his nest on high,

to escape the clutches of ruin! 

You have plotted the ruin of many peoples,

shaming your own house and forfeiting your life.”

Habakkuk 2:9-10

Joseph, One of the Worthy

When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him

and took Mary home as his wife.

Matthew 1:24

Before Christmas, my pastor used Matthew 1:18-25 to focus on Joseph.  She said that sometimes obedience to God would come at great cost to us; but we would be blessed in ways we could not imagine.  Our act(s) of obedience would have a far-reaching impact on the lives of other people.

Pastor explained that back then, a betrothal was a marriage that hadn’t yet been consummated.  It was serious.  Becoming pregnant before the wedding ceremony was a major scandal that would ruin Mary’s reputation.   In his decision to divorce her “quietly”, Joseph was refusing to add insult to injury.  He wasn’t going to do anything to humiliate her publicly.  People would realize she was pregnant, and that would be enough destroy her.  Joseph was also willing to allow Mary to keep her dowry, which means she would have some money to sustain her.

Having made those decisions, Joseph went to sleep, and heard from the angel of the Lord.  Pastor stressed the importance of Joseph waking up, and choosing to believe that this visit was real.  Considering the shame and sacrifice involved in marrying Mary, it would have been easier for him to believe he had a nightmare or ate something that disagreed with him.

Essentially, in marrying Mary, Joseph also took on her shame.  When people realized she was pregnant, they would think Joseph had no control over himself.   He would be looked at as a hypocrite who said one thing in public, and did the opposite in private.  In fact, Joseph did not even consummate the marriage until after Jesus was born.

My Pastor didn’t mention the end of Joseph’s life, so I’m just speculating.  I’ve always assumed that Joseph died before the crucifixion and resurrection of his son.  Otherwise, I assume he would have been mentioned as one of the witnesses.  If I’m right, then I think it’s sad that Joseph never lived to see Jesus “save his people from their sins” (v. 21).  I’m thinking that Joseph is one of the faithful, that the world is not worthy of, mentioned in Hebrews 11.

 These were all commended for their faith,

yet none of them received what had been promised.

v. 39

2013 – Year of Continued Revolution

Once when we were going to the place of prayer,

we were met by a slave girl who had a spirit by which she predicted the future.

Acts 16:16

 I forget that Jesus Christ is a revolutionary.

I know the story of Paul and Silas’s miracle release from prison.   While praying and singing to God, an earthquake caused their chains to fall from them (v. 25-26).  After seeing the work of God, the jailer and his whole household accepted Jesus as Lord.

I forgot why they were put in jail in the first place.  I forgot that other chains were broken.  After this slave girl followed them for a few days, Paul cast the evil spirit out of her (v. 18).  Paul healed the slave girl.  He also overturned the economic apple cart.  Without the evil spirit, her owners couldn’t make as much money off of her.  (She could still be used as a sex or labor slave.)  So they grabbed Paul and Silas and took them to the authorities.  The owners were too sly to admit their greed, so instead they accused the two of “throwing our city into an uproar by advocating customs unlawful for us Romans to accept or practice” (v. 20).

What was the unlawful part?  Was it unlawful for people to be free?  Was it unlawful to set people free?  Was it unlawful to heal people?  Was it unlawful to interrupt business?  Shouldn’t it have been unlawful to have slaves?  I’m not sure.  The city, however, was thrown into an uproar, because a “crowd” (v. 22) joined in the attack against Paul and Silas.  Slavery was supported by the state.  Instead of intervening on the side of Paul and Silas, the magistrates had them stripped, beaten, thrown in jail and placed under armed guard (v. 22-23).

As a result of setting someone else free, Paul and Silas ended up in jail, and it’s a price they were willing to pay.

My pastor said that sometimes obedience to God would come at great cost to ourselves; but if we persevere, not only will we be blessed, but that act of obedience would have a far-reaching impact on the lives of other people.

I pray that we all take that radical, chain-breaking obedience into 2013.  Happy New Year!

 He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners . . . .

Isaiah 61:1

Choose Life: Peter v. Judas

Early in the morning,

all the chief priests and the elders of the people came to the decision to put Jesus to death.  They bound him, led him away and handed him over to Pilate, the governor.

When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty silver coins to the chief priests and the elders. 

“I have sinned,” he said, “for I have betrayed innocent blood.” 

“What is that to us?” they replied.  “That’s your responsibility.” 

So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. 

Then he went away and hanged himself.

Matthew 27:1-5

Earlier this evening, I had to run an errand.  It took me about 1 hour.  When I left home, all was well.   When I returned, I saw at least two ambulances, one police car and a crowd of police officers.  Someone killed himself by jumping off the roof of the building.  The EMTs rolled the deceased past me to get him into the ambulance.  His eyes were still open.

Just before the story of Judas, we read about Peter’s betrayal of Christ (Matthew 26:69-75).  Years ago, my pastor referenced both of them in a sermon.  Both betrayed Christ.  Both felt remorse.  The only difference between the two men was that Peter turned towards Christ for forgiveness, while Judas turned away from Christ.

I feel bad about gentleman who jumped.  I always felt sorry for Judas.  Out of all the people who were complicit in Christ’s crucifixion, Judas was the only one with enough decency to feel remorse.  If he turned to Christ, the Lord would have been pleased to heal him and save him completely.

I decided to go online to find resources for anyone who’s thinking about taking their own life.

Boys Town National Hotline,  http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/aboutus/Pages/default.aspx

Broken Believers, http://brokenbelievers.com/247-crisis-lines/

Safe Horizon, http://www.safehorizon.org/index/get-help-8/call-our-hotlines-51.html?gclid=CPHdgqa8vrQCFcyf4AodSj8AxQ

Samaritans,  http://www.samaritansnyc.org/

USA National Suicide & Crisis Hotlines        http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html

 Choose life!

 “But if a wicked man turns away from all the sins he has committed

and keeps all my decrees and does what is just and right,

he will surely live; he will not die. 

None of the offenses he has committed will be remembered against him. 

Because of the righteous things he has done, he will live. 

Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked?”

Declares the Sovereign Lord.

“Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live?”

Ezekiel 18:21-23

Standing in the New Year

They were all trying to frighten us, thinking,

“Their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will not be completed.”

But I prayed,

“Now strengthen my hands.”

Nehemiah 6:9

In a sermon entitled How I know you’re going to stand, Pastor said the Lord gave him a prophecy of hope to deliver.  We will not revert back to the way were before we knew Christ.  We will fulfill God’s purposes for us.

When the children of Israel were leaving Egypt, the Egyptians decided to chase them, despite knowing they were defeated by the Lord himself.  They pursued because of their own pride and arrogance (Exodus 14:5).  All the Egyptians could hope for was to get close enough to the Israelites to yell at them and remind them of their slavery in Egypt.  When the Israelites and Egyptians were encamped at the Red Sea, the Glory of the Lord settled between them, making it impossible for the Egyptians to touch them (Exodus 14:19-20).  All the Egyptians could do was try to shake the Israelites’ confidence by speaking to them.

So it is with Satan.  He knows he’s defeated, but he’s going to try to yell at us and shake our confidence.  Pastor said that these are all the ways we’ve been protected from Satan.

1)    God’s word, which dispels every negative word spoken over us.

2)    God’s presence, which stands between us and the devil.

3)    God’s promise, which draws us and defines us, shaping us so that we can’t go back

4)    Our testimony.  When we think of our own testimony, and how much this world needs to hear it, how could we turn back?

5)    The Body of Christ.   (If you were crossing the Red Sea & decided you wanted to go back to Egypt, how could you with 2 million people pushing you forward?)

6)    The works of God.  What a Mighty God we serve!

7)    God’s authority.  In Christ, we have the power and authority to say “no” to Satan.  (Pastor said that his conversations with Satan are quite short.  He’ll just say “no”, then go back to sleep.)

8)    After all that, we wouldn’t want to give the devil the satisfaction

As we go into 2013, let’s all remember that Satan has fallen – and he can’t get up.

I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven.

Luke 10:18